Saturday, 7 January 2012

Script (Act 1, Scenes 1 to 6)

Scene 1
Harry is sitting by himself on his trunk. He looks worried and anxious as he looks around and pushes the hair out of his eyes and begins to sing. 
Song: Get Back To Hogwarts 
Harry Potter: Underneath these stairs
I hear the sneers and feel glares of
my cousin, my uncle and my aunt. 
Can't believe how cruel they are
and it stings my lighting scar
to know that they'll never ever give me what I want. 
I know I don't deserve these
stupid rules made by the Dursleys
here on Privet drive. 
Can't take all of these muggles,
but despite all of my struggles,
I'm still alive. 
I’m sick of summer and this waiting around.
Man, its September, and I’m skipping this town
Hey It’s no mystery, threes nothing here for me now 
He stands up. 
I gotta get back to Hogwarts;
I gotta get back to school.
Gotta get myself to Hogwarts,
where everybody knows I'm cool 
Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts,
to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts.
It’s all that I love, and it's all that I need.
HOGWARTS, HOGWARTS, I think I'm going back--- 
I'll see my friends, gonna laugh 'til we cry
take my Firebolt, gonna take to the sky
NO WAY this year anyone's gonna die, and it's gonna be totally awesome 
I'll cast some spells, with a flick of my wand
defeat the dark arts, yeah bring it on!
And do it all with my best friend Ron, 'cause together we're totally awesome 
Ron Weasley: Yeah, and it's gonna be totally awesome! Did somebody say Ron Weasley? 
They hug and ad lib greeting (i.e. hey man, what’s up? How ya doing’?) 
Ron: Hey, sorry it took me so long to get here. I had to go get some Floo Powder, but, uh, we gotta get going. Get your trunk and let’s go!
Harry: Where’re we going?
Ron: To Diagon Alley, of course!
Harry: Cool!
Ron: C’mon!
Harry & Ron: (while flapping arms) Floo Powder power! Floo Powder power!
Ron: It's been so long, but we're going back
don't go for work, don't go there for class
Harry: As long as were together—
Ron: -- gonna kick some grass
Harry & Ron: and it’s gonna be totally awesome!
This year we'll take everybody by storm,
stay up all night, sneak out of our dorm 
Hermione pops up behind them. 
Hermione Granger: but let's not forget that we need to perform well in class
if we want to pass our OWLS! 
They arrive in Diagon Alley, where people rush back and forth upstage. 
Ron: Aw, Hermione, why do you have to be such a buzz kill?
Hermione: Because, guys, school’s not all about having fun. We need to study hard if we’re gonna be good witches and wizards! Ugh! 
I may be frumpy, but I'm super smart
check out my grades, they're "A's" for a start
what I lack in looks well I make up in heart,
and well guys, yeah, that's totally awesome 
this year I plan to study a lot...
Ron: That would be cool if you were actually hot!
Harry: Hey Ron, come on, we're the only friends that she's got!
Ron: and that's cool...
Hermione: and that's totally awesome!
Harry, Ron & Hermione: Yeah it's so cool, and it's totally awesome!
We're sick of summer and this waiting around!
It's like we're sitting in the lost and found!
Don't take no sorcery
for anyone to see how... 
We gotta get back to Hogwarts.
We gotta get back to school.
We gotta get back to Hogwarts,
where everything is magic-cooooool! 
Ensemble: Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts
to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts
it's all that I love, and it's all that I need at
Harry, Ron & Hermione: --- I think we're going back... 

Scene 2
Ginny Weasley: Ron! You were supposed to take me to Madame Malkin’s and use those sickles Mom gave you for my robe fittings!
Harry: Uh, who’s this?
Ron: Uh, this is stupid, little dumb sister Ginny. She’s a freshman. Ginny, this is Harry. Harry Potter. It’s Harry Potter. 
Ginny and Harry shake hands. 
Ginny: Aw, you’re Harry Potter! You’re The Boy Who Lived!
Harry: Yeah, and you’re Ginny.
Ginny: It’s Ginevra.
Harry: Cool. Ginny’s fine.
Ron: Stupid sister! (He claps in her face) Don’t crowd the famous friend!
Hermione: Do you guys hear music or something?
Harry: Music? What are you talking about?
Ron: Yeah, someone’s coming! Whoa! 
They notice three girls, an Asian one in the front, all dancing Japanese-like.  
Cho’s Posse: Cho Chang
Domo arigato, Cho Chang
Gung Hey Fat Choy, Chang
Happy Happy New Year, Cho Chang 
Ginny: Aw, who’s that?
Harry: That’s Cho Chang.
Ron: Yeah, that’s the girl Harry totally been in love with since freshman year.
Hermione: Yeah, but he won’t say anything to her!
Ron: Well, yeah, you never tell a girl you like her. It makes you look like an idiot. 
Ginny goes over and taps the Asian girl on the shoulder.  
Ginny: (bows) Konnichiha, Cho Chang! It is good to meet you! My name is Ginny Weasley!
Lavender Brown: Fish I ain’t Cho Chang!
Ron: That’s Lavender Brown! (Claps in her face) Racist sister!
Cho Chang: (with a Southern accent) Oh, it’s alright! I’m Cho Chang, y’all.
Harry: She is totally perfect!
Ron: Yeah, too bad she’s dating Cedric Diggory.
Harry: What? Who the Hell is Cedric Diggory?!? What is that? Who is that guy? 
Cedric comes between the four and sweeps his arms so they all fall down. 
Cedric Diggory: Oh, Cho Chang
I am so in love with Cho Chang
from Bangkok to Ding Dang
I sing my love aloud for Cho Chang! 
Cho, Cedric and Cho’s Posse exit
Harry: Uh! I hate that guy!
They start to leave. Draco Malfoy enters. 
Draco Malfoy: Did someone say Draco Malfoy?!?
Harry: What do you want, Draco?
Malfoy: Crab, Goyle, be a dear and go pay for my robes, will you? So, Potter, back for another year at Hogwarts, are you? Maybe this year you’ll wise up and hang out with a higher caliber of wizards.
Harry: Hey, listen, Malfoy, (puts his arms around Ron and Hermione) Ron and Hermione are my best friends in the whole world. I wouldn’t trade them for anything. 
During Harry’s lines, Ginny tries to put her arm around Ron but is pushed off. 
Malfoy: Have it your way. (He notices Ginny) Wait. Don’t tell me. Red hair, hand-me-down clothes and a stupid complexion? You must be a Weasley.
Ron: Oh my god lay off Malfoy. She may be a pain in the rear end, but she’s my pain in the rear end. 
The gang exits. 
Malfoy: Well, isn’t this cute! It’s like a little loser family. Hogwarts has really gone the dogs. Luckily next year I’ll be transferred to Pigfarts!
This year you bet, gonna get outta here
the reign of Malfoy is drawing near
Ill have the greatest wizard career,
and its gonna be totally awesome 
Look out world, for the dawn of the day
When everyone will do whatever I say
And that Potter won’t be in my way, and then
I’ll be the one who is totally awesome! 
Goyle: Yeah you’ll be the one who is totally awesome.
Hermione: C’mon, guys, we’re gonna miss the train! 
The entire cast gets into three lines.  
Ensemble: Who knows how fast this year’s gonna go?
Hand me a glass, let the butterbeer flow 
At this point the cast starts to make train motions that gradually speed up. 
Harry: Maybe at last, I’m gonna talk to Cho!
Ron: Oh no, that be WAY too awesome!
Ensemble: Were back to learn everything that we can
it’s great to come back to where we began
and here we are (they lurch forward as if the train has just stopped),
and alakazam! (they jump into the air)! Here we go, this is totally awesome!
Come on and teach us everything you know
the summers over and were itchin’ to go
I think we’re ready for 
Neville Longbottom: Albus Dumbledore!
Ensemble: Oooooo Ahhhhhh. 
Cast pulls two benches to either side of the stage. Albus Dumbledore enters. 
Professor Albus Dumbledore: Welcome, all of you to Hogwarts.
I welcome back you all to school.
Did you know that here at Hogwarts
we’ve got a hidden swimming pool? 
Welcome, welcome, welcome Hogwarts
Welcome, all you hotties, nerds, and tools
Now that I've got you here at Hogwarts
I’d like to go over just a couple of rules:
My name is Albus Dumbledore and I am Headmaster of Hogwarts. You can all call me Dumbledore. Suppose you could also call me Albus-if you wanted detention. I’m just kidding. I’ll expel you if you call me Albus. 
Ensemble: Back to wizards and witches, and magical beasts
to goblins and ghosts and to magical feasts
it's all that I love, and all that I need.
Back to spells and enchantments, potions and friends
To Gryffindors!
Back to the place where our story begins
it’s Hogwarts, Hogwarts,
Dumbledore: I’m sorry, what’s its name?
Ensemble: Hogwarts, Hogwarts
Dumbledore: I didn’t hear you kids!
Ensemble: Hogwarts, Hogwarts
Harry: Man, I’m glad I’m back. 

Scene 3
The students take seats on the benches, with Gryffindors on stage right and everybody else on stage left. Ron is eating in almost every scene, and in this one he’s eating some kind of noodle dish in Styrofoam. 
Dumbledore: Welcome to another magical year at Hogwarts! And a very special welcome to my favorite student, Mr. Harry Potter. He killed Voldemort when he was just a baby. He’s even got that little lightning scar on his forehead to prove it. And another very special welcome to our newest addition to Gryffindor, Mr. Ginny -‘scuse me- Ms. Ginny Weasley.
Ginny: (stands up) Um, yeah, I’m a girl, and, um, also, aren’t we supposed to be sorted by the Sorting Hat? (Sits down)
Dumbledore: Uh, a funny thing happened to the Sorting Hat. He actually got hitched with another piece of enchanted magical clothing. Basically I’ve just been putting anyone who looks like a good guy into Gryffindor, anyone who looks like a bad guy into Slytherin and the other two can just go wherever the hell they want, I don’t really care.
Cedric: (stands up) Hufflepuff are particularly good finders!
Dumbledore: What the HECK is a Hufflepuff? 
Cedric smiles awkwardly for a moment then sits down. 
Dumbledore: Anyways, it is time now for me to introduce my very good friend and our own Potions professor, Mr. Severus Snape.
Ron: Aw, Snape? I’d hoped they’d fired that guy!
Ginny: What’s wrong with Professor Snape?
Ron: Uh, nothing, he’s just, uh, evil! 
Severus Snape enters. 
Harry: C’mon, Ron, he’s really not that bad. I mean-
Professor Severus Snape: Harry Potter! Detention!
Harry: (Stands up) What?
Snape: For talking out of turn! 
Harry sits back down. 
Snape: Now, before we begin, I’m going to give you all your very, very first pop quiz. 
Everybody groans, except for Hermione, who cheers. 
Hermione: Yes!
Snape: Can anyone tell me what a portkey is?
Hermione: Oo! (She raises her hand)
Snape: Yes, Ms. Granger.
Hermione: A portkey is an enchanted object that when touched will transport the one or ones who touch it to anywhere on the globe decided upon by the enchanter.
Snape: Very good! Now can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is? 
Hermione raises her hand again. 
Snape: Yes, Ms. Granger.
Hermione: Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned earlier in the story to return later in a more significant way.
Snape: Perfect!
Ron: What’s a portkey again? I missed that one.
Hermione: A portkey is something that when you touch it it’ll transport you anywhere.
Ron: (Over Hermione) Not you! Ah, never mind.
Snape: And remember, a portkey can be any sort of seemingly harmless object, like, a football, or a dolphin!
Lavender: Professor?
Snape: Yes?
Lavender: Can, like, a person be a portkey?
Snape: No, that’s absurd. ‘Cause then if that person we’re to touch themselves, (looks meaningfully at Ron) they would constantly be transported into different places. A person can, however, be a horcrux.
Harry: What’s a- What’s a horcrux?
Snape: I’m not even going to tell you Harry, you’ll find out soon enough.
Hermione: Professor, what is the point of this quiz?
Snape: Oh, no, no point in particular. Just important information that everyone should know. (he points into the audience) Especially you! Now, moving right along, there are four houses in all. Gryffindor (there’re cheers from stage right), Ravenclaw (a few cheers from stage left), Hufflepuff-
Cedric: Find!
Snape: What? And Slytherin (Goyle does a snake movement with his arms while the other Slytherins hiss). Traditionally points are given for good behavior and deducted for rule breaking. For example, ten points from Gryffindor! (Confused mutterings for stage right) For Ms. Granger’s excessive baby fat.
Harry & Ron: Thanks, Hermione!
Snape: Traditionally, the house with the most points at the end of the year would win the House Cup. However, this year we’re doing things a bit differently. Here to introduce it is our new Dark Arts Professor, Professor Quirrell.  
Harry’s scar starts to hurt. He puts a hand to it and starts yelling as Quirinus Quirrell enters stage left. Because Voldemort is on the back of his head, Voldemort stands and walks back to back with Quirrell while his face is hidden under Quirrell’s turban. 
Quirinus Quirrell: (with a slight stutter) The House Cup. A time honored tradition. For centuries-
Malfoy: Go home, terrorist!
Quirrell: For centuries, the houses of Hogwarts have competed for the honor and glory of holding the title of House Champion. But where does this competition come from, and what are the roots of the tradition? 
Hermione raises her hand and speaks quickly. 
Hermione: The House Cup Tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students.
Quirrell: That was a rhetorical question.
Dumbledore: Granger, quit interrupting. Twenty points from Gryffindor.
Harry & Ron: Thanks, Hermione!
Quirrell: As I was saying, when the Tournament first originated it was one of a completely different sort. One champion from each of the four houses would compete in a series of dangerous tasks. The winner would not only win the Cup, they would also win eternal glory.
Hermione: Kind of like the Twiwizard Tournament!
Quirrell: Yes, sort of like the Triwizard tounament, except no, not like that at all. There are four houses. How could it be the Triwizard Tournament with four teams?
Hermione: Well, Professor, if I remember correctly, the House Cup Tournament was disbanded after one semester when one student was killed during the first task.
Quirrell: Yes, it is very dangerous, but the rewards far outweigh the risks.
Hermione: I don’t think you heard me! I just said somebody died!
Dumbledore: Hermione Granger, shut your ungodly lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! Twenty more points!
Harry & Ron: Thanks, Hermione!
Dumbledore: God! For the cleverest witch of your age you really can be stupid sometimes. (Other students laugh at her) Ten points to Dumbledore!
Quirrell: Yes, well, it will be very dangerous, but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come. And, as the Professor of Defense against the Dark Arts, I believe that this practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to- 
Voldemort sneezes under Quirrell’s turban.  
Dumbledore: Professor, did your turban just sneeze?
Quirrell: What? No. (he starts to back off stage right)
Dumbledore: I could have sworn I just heard a sneeze coming from your direction, but your mouth wasn’t moving.
Quirrell: No, no, that was simply a fart. I must be going. (Voldemort continues to sneeze, and Harry’s scar starts to hurt again as Quirrellmort gets near him.) I simply farted once more.  
Quirrellmort exits.  
Dumbledore: Now, with the newly resurrected House Cup, a champion from each of the four houses will be selected to compete! So, Snape, would you do us the honors, please? 
Snape come on with The Cup. 
Snape: Yes, Headmaster. First from the Ravenclaw house (he pulls out a piece of paper), Ms. Cho Chang,
Cho: Oh my god I’ve won! I can’t believe they called me!
Snape: Next, from Hufflepuff, (pulls out another) Mr. Cedric Diggory.
Cedric: (stands up) Well, I don’t FIND this surprising at all!
Cho: Perfect!
Snape: Next, from the Slytherin house, (pull out another) Draco Malfoy!
Malfoy: (stands up) Ha! Oh, I finally beat you, didn’t I, Potter! (he struts over to Harry) What do you think of that, huh? (he tries to reach over to get in Harry’s face but ends up collapsing onto the first row of Gryffindors and falling on the floor) I’m the champion this time!
Dumbledore: Draco, will you sit down, you little elf! Champion’s just a title.
Snape: And finally, from the Gryffindor house, (pulls out a paper) oh my! Well, isn’t this curious! The one person in all of Hogwarts whom I bear no grudge against is suddenly in a tournament where he may very well lose his life.
Neville: (stands up) It's me. I'd like to apologize right now to my fellow Gryffindors right now for losing-
Snape: Sit down, you inarticulate bumble! It’s Harry Potter!
Dumbledore: Well, here you are, folks, the four Hogwarts champions. Now, I want all of you to start preparing immediately, because the first task is in two months and it could be anything. So let’s get to it! 
Everybody except Harry, Ron and Hermione starts to leave cheering “Cho Chang! Cho Chang!” malfoy tries to start the same thing with his name, but fails. Harry and Ron remain sitting while Hermione paces. 

Scene 4
Harry: I don’t know, man. Cedric Diggory. He’s pretty awesome. NOT! He sucks! I’m totally gonna win! 
Harry and Ron high-five. 
Hermione: I don’t know, Harry…
Ron: Oh my god, Hermione. Keep Shut. Why do you have to rain on everybody’s parade?
Hermione: Because, Ron, this is dangerous!
Harry: Dangerous? Come one, Hermione, how dangerous can it be? Especially for me.
Hermione: You’re not invincible, Harry. Someone DIED in this tournament.
Harry: Uh, I’m the Boy that LIVED, not DIED. What’s the worst that could happen?
Hermione: And I don’t know about that Quirrell character
Harry: Come on, think about it. Professor Quirrell is a professor, and who hires professors?
Harry & Ron: Dumbledore.
Harry: ...who’s the smartest, most awesome, practical, most beautiful wizard in the whole school. Why would he possibly hire someone who’s trying to hurt me? You know what Hermione, just forget about all of that okay?? Let it go.
Ron:  I’ll sabotage all the other champions so you win by default.
Hermione: Alright… I guess I can check out the whole library on notes.
Harry: Alright. You guys are awesome. 
Malfoy, Crab, and Goyle enter. Goyle is carrying Malfoy. 
Malfoy: Well. Isn’t this touching?

Ron: Oh my God just butt out, Malfoy.

Goyle tries to put Malfoy down but Malfoy falls onto the floor. He will continue to roll around on the
floor for awhile to make it seem like he did this on purpose.

Malfoy: Goyle and I have a bet, you know. He says you won’t last five minutes in this tournament. I
disagree. I say you wouldn’t last five minutes at Pigfarts!

Harry: What? Alright, Malfoy, what is Pigfarts?

Malfoy: Oh! Never heard of it? Ha! Figures. Famous Potter doesn’t even know about Pigfarts!

Harry: Malfoy, don’t act like you don’t want to talk about it. This is like the ninth time you’ve mentioned Pigfarts. What is Pigfarts?

Malfoy is standing by now.

Malfoy: Pigfarts is only the greatest wizarding school in the galaxy. It’s where I'm being transferred next year.

Hermione: Malfoy, I’ve never heard of that.

Malfoy: That’s because Pigfarts… is on Mars!

Harry: Alright, you know what? We’re trying to have a conversation here so if you could just leave us

Malfoy: Oh, no. I’m not even here.

Harry: (in a hushed tone) Okay, so, I think we can find out what the first task is if we ask Dumbledore-

Malfoy: Dumbledore? Pff! What an old coot! He’s nothing like Rumbleroar!


Harry: Anyways, as I was saying-

Malfoy: Rumbleroar’s the headmaster at Pigfarts. He’s a lion, who can talk.

Harry: Malfoy, if you don’t mind, we’re trying to have a conversation here so- wait what are you even
doing here? Get outta here.

Malfoy: I can’t help it if we can hear everything you say. We’re the only ones in here.

Harry: Come on, Malfoy; just get out of here, please?

Malfoy: Where are we supposed to go?

Harry: Uh, I don’t know, uh, Pigfarts.

Malfoy: Oh ha. Oh, now you’re just being cute. I can’t go to Pigfarts. IT’S ON MARS. You need a rocket
ship. (Struts over to Harry) Do you have a rocket ship, Potter? I bet you do. (He crawls between where
Harry and Ron are sitting and falls to the floor again) You know not all of us inherited enough money to buy out NASA when our parents died! Look at this! Look at this! It’s Rocketship Potter. Starkid Potter. Moonshoes Potter. Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts! (He gets up)

Harry: Alright, that’s it. This is the most misguided way to try and make me feel jealous. I don’t care if
you make fun of me, (he gets up towards Malfoy) but if you bring my parents into this it’s a whole other

Malfoy: (runs and hides behind stage left bench) Whoa! Not so fast, Potter! Oh crap! Goyle!

Goyle advances on Harry, arms raised. Harry and Ron cower around the bench while Hermione remains standing.

Malfoy: (hanging off the bottom of the bench) Not so tough are you now, Potter! Maybe you should
hang out with someone better than that lollygagging ginger and his stupid mudblood girlfriend!

Hermione: Oh, that is it, Malfoy! (She makes a motion with her wand) Jelly-legs jinx!

Malfoy: Oh, come on!

Goyle: Hey, no fair! Our legs are jelly!

Hermione runs over and grabs Malfoy by the necktie while Crab and Goyle fall on their backs with their legs wobbling.

Hermione: Now, take it back, Malfoy!

Malfoy: Take what back?

Hermione: Take back what you said about your stupid made-up space school!

Ron: And all that stuff about Hermione being my girlfriend. That’s not even a little bit true.

Hermione: And say you’re sorry for calling me a ‘you-know-what’!

Malfoy: Alright! I’m sorry!

Hermione: And you promise you’ll never do it again?

Malfoy: I promise!

Hermione: Alright! (She drops him) Now next time we tell you to leave us alone you better do it! Come on, Harry. Ron. Let’s get out of here.

Harry: Wow. Thanks, Hermione.

Hermione: Yeah (she points at Crab and Goyle with her wand) Unjellyfy!

The jinx on Crab and Goyle is broken. Harry, Ron and Hermione leave.
Ron: (As they walk off) Wow. That was like the most badass thing I’ve ever seen! Too bad no one was
here to see it though. It was like an outburst of pent up aggression you were just like ‘Arrr! I’m gonna….

Crab and Goyle get up.

Goyle: Wow. That sucked royal hippogriff! We got beat by a girl! Who is a nerd!

Malfoy: I meant what I said you know. Pigfarts is real. (He puts his hand to his nose to check for blood)
Am I- Am I bleeding? Goyle.

Goyle runs over close to Malfoy’s face.

Goyle: *Sniffs* No. (He gets up)

Malfoy: (quietly) I thought maybe... maybe just a little bit… (Normally) Wow. I’ve never been pushed
down like that by a girl… Maybe I shouldn’t call her a mud-… whatever. (He gets up)

Goyle: (to Crab) I can’t believe I couldn’t figure out the counter-curse was just unjellyfy!

Crab shakes his head in disapproval.

Malfoy: Right. Well, I'm not surprised. Come on. Let’s go watch Wizards of Waverly Place! Lights up.

Malfoy exits with Crabbe and Goyle.

Quirrellmort enters. The stage is set with a block-bench and a chair with robes hung over the top. 
Quirrell: (talking to the audience) Fools! They’re all fools. They think they’re safe. They think they’re back for another fun year of learning shenanigans at Hogwarts. Little do they know the danger that’s lurking right under their noses. Or, should I say, on the back of their heads… 
Quirrell rotates to put his back to the audience. He pulls off the turban to reveal Voldemort, who laughs evilly, then coughs. Quirrell puts his turban on the chair. 
Voldemort: Ugh! I can’t breathe in that damn turban!
Quirrell: I’m sorry my Lord. It’s a necessary precaution. For if they knew that you lived- that when Harry Potter destroyed you, your soul lived on-
Voldemort: Yes! That when my body was destroyed I was forced to live in the Forbidden Forest, eating bugs, and mushrooms, and, ugh! Unicorn blood!
Quirrell: Until I found you and let you attach yourself to my soul.
Voldemort: Yes. Nobody must know any of that. Now, Quirrell! Get me some water! 
Quirrell bends over and grabs a bottle of water. 
Voldemort: Now Quirrell! Pour it in my mouth! 
Quirrell uncaps the bottle and speaks while pouring the water in his mouth. 
Quirrell: Your plan to infiltrate Hogwarts on the back of my head is going swimmingly, my liege!
Voldemort: Yes, yes, I'm done with the water! We must not have any more foul-ups like tonight in the Great Hall!
Quirrell: I’m sorry, my Lord, you sneezed!
Voldemort: I know that... Get me some Nasonex, you swine! 
Quirrell shoots some Nasonex into Voldemort’s nose, then some into his own. 
Voldemort: Wash that turban! It tickles my nose.
Quirrell: Yes my Dark King-
Voldemort: Okay, just... relax with the Dark Kings, ok? I watch you wipe your butt daily. You can call me Voldemort. We’re there. We’ve reached that point.
Quirrell: Yes, yes, my… Voldemort.
Voldemort: Mmm. Now, Quirrell… Get us ready for bed. 
Quirrell begins getting ready for bed. 
Voldemort: We must be well rested if we wish to kill Potter. Tonight, in the Great Hall, he was so close! I could have touched him! 
Quirrell uses some mouthwash. 
Voldemort: Revenge is at my fingertips, Quirrell. I can taste it! It tastes like… cool mint.
Quirrell: That’s our Listerine, Voldemort.
Voldemort: Yes. Excellent. (They walk over to the block-bench) Well, goodnight Quirrell. 
Quirrell bends backwards, and Voldemort leans forward so they are laying down on the block-bench. 
Voldemort: (pause) Okay, okay, I can’t do this. You’ve got to roll over. I can’t sleep on my tummy.
Quirrell: I’m sorry, but I always sleep on my back! I have back problems. It’s the only way I’m comfortable.
Voldemort: You roll over right now or I’ll… I’LL EAT YOU PILLOW! (Quirrell begins to roll over) You’ll be having a dream you’re eating a giant marshmallow, but really you’ll wake up and find your favorite goose feather pillow is missing!
Quirrell: Fine! We’ll compromise. We’ll sleep on our sides.
Voldemort: Ok. I guess I can do this.
Quirrell: Now, goodnight!
Voldemort: Goodnight, Quirrell. (pause) Hey, Quirrell. How long has those robes been on that chair?
Quirrell: I think they’re from last night. I just put them there for now.
Voldemort: Well are you planning on putting them in a hamper? What’s your plan for these?
Quirrell: I figured I’d just leave them there for now and put them away in the morning,okay?
Voldemort: A- No! No, that’s not okay! I can’t go to sleep knowing that there are dirty clothes on that chair! The chair’s is going to start smelling like dirty clothes!
Quirrell: I promise I’ll put them away in the morning!
Voldemort: You put them away RIGHT NOW! I command you to get up and… fold them, at least!!! Make it into a neat pile! 
They both sit up. 
Quirrell: Listen, if we’re going to be in this situation for a while, we’re going to have tolearn to live with each other. Now, I’ve been single for all of my life, and I have somehabits, and sometimes I leave dirty laundry around!
Voldemort: Well I believe everything has its place! Muggles have their place, mudbloodshave their place, and so do your clothes! Namely, a dresser! 
They stand up. 

Quirrell: Well, aren’t we an odd couple? 
Song: Different As Can Be 
Quirrell: You won't sleep on your tummy,
Voldemort: You won't sleep on your back,
Voldemort & Quirrell:We're quite a kooky couple you'll agree.
Quirrell: We share some hands and fingers,
Voldemort: and yet the feeling lingers.
Voldemort & Quirrell: We're just about as different as anyone could be!
Voldemort: You like plotting a garden, and I like plotting to kill.
Quirrell : you think that you should rule the world, I think books are a thrill!
Sipping tea by the fires swell
Voldemort: Pushing people in is fun as well
I like folding all my ties
Quirrell: And you have no friends, hey that’s a surprise
Voldemort & Quirrell:  guess it’s plain to see
when you look at you and me
were different
as can be 
Quirrell goes over to fold the robes. 
Voldemort: You’re a sissy, a twat a girl! I’m the darkest of lords!
Quirrell: I’m the brightest professor here, I’ve won several awards!
Voldemort: My new world is about to unfold
Quirrell: You got beat by a two year old
Voldemort: I’ll kill him this time, through and through
Quirrell: Or you might just give him another tattoo
Voldemort & Quirrell: You really must agree
when you look at you and me
were different, different
as can- 
Voldemort faces the audience as Quirrell make menacing arm motions. 
Voldemort: I’ll rise again and Ill rule the world,
But you must help me renew.
For when our plan succeeds-
Quirrell: Prevails!
Voldemort: part of that world goes to you. 
They continue their rotating. 
Quirrell: When I rule the world I’ll plant flowers.
Voldemort :When I rule the world I’ll have… snakes! And goblins, and werewolves, and
giants, and thestrals, a fleet of dementors, and all my Death Eaters!
Quirrell: (at the same time)And Jane Austin novels!
Voldemort & Quirrell:When I rule the world!! Hahahaha!!!!       

Scene 5
Lights up. (Harry is on a broom, pretending to fly about the area. Ron enters, hiding a broom behind his back. ) 
Harry: Hey Ron, whats up? 
Ron: Harry, hey, um, I didn't think anybody would be up this early. 
Harry: Well, I'm the Gryffindor captain, right? I need to practice well if we want to win this year. 
Ron: Umm... yeah. 
Harry: So what are you doing here?
Ron: Umm... actually, I was training. 
Harry: Training what? 
Ron: To be, uh, Gryffindor, keeper, umm... yeah, er... so, um... 
Harry: Thats great!
Ron: Uh, yeah, right. Can you just, like see my thing and tell me...? 
Harry: Yeah, sure 
(Snape enters) 
Snape: A-harry potter?
Harry: Yes, professor? 
Snape: Who gave you permission to fly unauthorised brooms on the Quidditch pitch? 
Harry: Umm... I'm the Gryffindor Captain, so... 
Snape: Thats absurd. Where is the captaincy badge? 
Harry: (Pats his pockets, and shrugs sheepishly) I had it here somewhere. 
Snape: Thats even more absurd. Detention, Potter. 
Ron: Umm... he was just about to see me flying, Professor. 
Snape: Detention as well, Weasley.  
Ron: Uh... 
Snape: And now, allow me to make a suggestion. Why don't the both of you go to the nice cold dungeons and enjoy your nice cold detention.  
(Dumbledore enters.) 
Dumbledore: Whats going on here? 
Snape: Professor Dumbledore, I was merely commenting on the a-dedication of Potter and his friends.  
Dumbledore: Good, good. Well, Harry, good luck, I've come to watch your tryouts. 
Harry: Am I conducting tryouts? 
Ron: Are you conducting tryouts? 
Harry: I don't know!  
(Hermione enters)
Hermione: Yes, you're conducting tryouts. (Hands out a sheet of paper.) 
Harry: But I don't even know half the people on this list! Who on earth is Cormac McCoy? 
(Cormac enters. Cormac is supposed to be a proud snobbish student, with a demeaning manner to Ron and a devotion to Hermione.) 
Cormac: That would be me. Hello, Harry Potter, it is a pleasure to meet you. 
Harry: Umm... yeah, (Harry carefully avoids the hand held out.)  
Cormac: And what is this? (Looks down his nose at Ron.) 
Harry: That, uh I mean, he's Ron. 
Ron: Yeah, um, I'll just go sit on that bench over there.  
Harry: Uh yeah. Um, Cormac, just go sit there will you. 
Cormac: (Again looking at Ron) With that? 
Harry: Just do it? 
Cormac: Only if the lady agrees to sit with me. 
Harry: Hermione needs to stay with me, Cormac. We're discussing the tryouts, you see 
Cormac: Very well, for you, Harry Potter, I will sit with that  commoner.  
Harry: Yeah, well, Hermione, you've got this, I'm off to go jam with Flitwick. 
(Harry leaves.) 
Hermione: Umm... allright, you'll be marked on three parameters, each having 15 marks. Elegance, style, and skill. 
Ron: What? 
Cormac: Its bad enough to have to sit next to this person, without having to be here when he talks too. Allow me to have the first try, I beg of you. 
Hermione: Uh, sure. We don't have a chaser here I see. So, I'm going to magically enchant this ball. (Waves her wand) Movillio. 
(Nothing happens.) 
Ron: Uh, nothing happened.  
Hermione: I noticed that, thank you very much Ron.  
(Cedric enters.)
Cedric: Hello all. 
Hermione: Hey Cedric, we need a chaser. 
Cedric: I'm up for it. 
Hermione: Ok, here's the ball, lets go then! 
(Cedric picks up a ball, and throws it at Cormac, who tries to catch it and succeeds in missing it entirely.) 
Hermione: Ok, allright, Ron its your turn. 
Cormac: I do declare that attempt to be a gross aberration.   
Hermione: Cormac, can you just, shut it? The idea that a save made with the full knowledge of proper circumstantial confidences may be interpreted as a gross aberration is absolutely unfounded in any basis.  
(Cormac sits down and buries his head in his hands. Lavender and Cho's posse enters.)
Cho: Oh look, Quidditchers!
Lavender: Who's trying? Is it, Won won?
Hermione: (Her attitude turns frigid at this stage.) Who is Won Won?
(Ron gets up) 
Ron: Its my turn, right?
Lavender: Its him! Its Won-Won!
Hermione: Excuse me! He has a name, you know!
Ron: Uh, my turn?
Hermione: Yeah, (She waves at an imaginary goal area)
(Ron walks over, and Cedric picks up the ball.)
Lavender: Won-won!
Ron: Wha?
(Ron turns his head to look at Lavender and Cedric throws the ball at his stomach)
Ron: Aargh. 
Lavender: Ooh, Won-Won, (Lavender runs over and nurses him.)
Hermione: Ron! You saved the goal!
Lavender: Won-Won is brilliant!
Hermione: Ugh, yeah. Sorry, Cormac, guess you have to go.
Cormac: I shall not remain within a mile of this terrible wasting of talent any longer.
(Cormac leaves. Cedric leaves with him.)
Hermione: At least we got rid of him. 
Lavender: Won-won, can we go celebrate?
Ron: Huh, yeah, I guess
(Lavender drags Ron across the stage, Ron stumbling a bit. Both exit. Harry enters.)
Harry: Hey, Hermione, how'd it go?
Hermione: (Sobbing.) Ron's our new keeper. (Thrusts paper at Harry and runs away crying.)
Harry: Ok, cool! (Strolls over to a seat, sits down and starts strumming on the guitar.)
(Ginny and Marietta enter.)
Ginny: And I just can't tell him!
Marietta: You need to!
Ginny: But I can't!
Marietta: Look, if you like him that much, you need to find some way of letting him know. (Looks at Harry strumming, who ignores them both.)
Marietta: There he is. Go and talk to him, at least. Just try and find some way of working it into the conversation. 
Ginny: I'll, I'll try.
(Hermione enters, Marietta leaves.)
Hermione: Harry, don’t you think you should be trying to figure out what the first task is? You could actually die if you’re not ready.
Harry: What? Come on. I mean, can’t you just do it for me? Can’t you just prepare all my stuff for me? I mean, what are you doing now?
Hermione: I’m writing your potions essay!
Harry: Oh... Well, do that first, ‘cause that’s due tomorrow. But after that, can you prepare for the first task, please?
Hermione: Alright.
Harry: Thank you. You are the best (he taps her on the nose). You got it. Thanks, Hermione.
Hermione turns around on the bench. Ginny enters, doing the magic pencil trick with her wand. 
Harry: Hey, Ginny, come here.
Ginny: Hey, Harry Potter. 
She sits down on the bench.
Harry: Listen, I want to play this song I’ve been working on. You see, I met this girl that I really, really like and I want to let her know she’s special. So I just want to know what you think of it. Just for the purposes of now, because I’m still working out the lyrics, I’m going to put your name where her name should be, but I don’t think it’s really gonna work out, because- Well, let me just show you. 
Song: Ginny

You’re tall and fun and pretty
You’re really, really skinny
I’m the Mickey to your Minnie
You’re hotter than baloney
Wanna take you to the city
Gonna take you out to diney
You’re cuter than a guinea pig
Wanna take you up to Winnipeg
That’s in Canada! 
Ginny Ginny Ginny Ginny---
You know what? This doesn’t work with you name. At all. But how does that make you feel, emotionally?
Ginny: Wow. Wowy. Harry Potter!
Harry: Don’t you think it could, I dunno, make a girl fall in love with me?
Ginny: I think it already has.
Harry: Awesome!, because it’s for Cho Chang!
Ginny: Oh. Yeah. She’s beautiful.
Harry: What, are you nuts? Beautiful? More like super-mega-foxy-awesome-hot! She’sthe hottest girl I’ve ever met. She’s far more attractive, far more appealing, far more interesting than any girl that I know, in my immediate group of friends. 
Ron enters stage left. He jumps over the block and over to Ginny. 
Ron: (motioning to Ginny to scoot over) Move! Move! Move! Move! Move! 
Ginny scoots over and Ron sits down. 
Ron: Hey! Harry! What’s up? So I was just offstage hanging out with Hagrid, and I saw thisdelivery wizard bringing giant cages into the dungeon. I don’t know what that’s for-
Hermione: Giant cages? I bet whatever’s in those cages has something to do with thefirst task! Harry, we have to find out what it is!
Harry: Hey, hey. Guys. Chill, I'm busy. 
Harry continues to play. Hermione walks over and grabs Harry guitar. 
Ron: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Ginny: No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No!
Hermione: Guys! Now, listen! This could be a matter of life and death!
Ron: Well it doesn’t matter, because it’s after hours, okay, and we can’t leave Gryffindor House, and we’ll probably get in trouble if we do, and even if we do, Shlongbottom over there will probably tell on us
Hermione: Neville won’t tell.
Neville: (stops sniffing plant) Oh yes I certainly will!
Ron: What are we going to do?
Hermione: It’s simple guys! The cloak!
Ron: Of course! 
They all stand up. 
Harry & Ron: The cloak!
Ginny: Wait, what cloak-
Ron: SHUT UP! (He claps in her face) 
Neville starts to leave. 
Harry: You see, (Explaining to Ginny, he starts to open the trunk) during my first year at Hogwarts I got a present left to me –Oh, bye Neville- by my dad during my first year at Hogwarts and it was left to me by my dad. The dad that’s dead. My father’s dead. I have a dead father. And now we solve mysteries and stuff with my handy, dandy Invisibility  Cloak! (he pulls out his thin, bright red, sparkly Invisibility Cloak.)
Ginny: Oh! Wowy, Harry Potter! Haha! A real Invisibility Cloak! Oo! Oo! Oo! Oo! Do you know what I would do if I had an Invisibility Cloak?
Harry: I’d be a hockey player.
Ron: And I would pretend to be a ghost and I would scare mean people. Hermione: I’d use it to avoid ever having to face my reflection in the mirror.
Ginny: Well, actually, I was going to say that I’d use it to fake my own death and watch people cry at the funeral!
Harry: Well, anyways, let’s get out of here. 
Harry, Ron, Hermione and Ginny start to leave. Ron turns around to stop Ginny. Hermione watches them. 
Ron: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where do you think you’re going?
Ginny: Um, with you guys?
Ron: No way! No kid sisters allowed, okay? (He claps in her face) Besides, there’s only enough room under this cloak for to people, so… (Hermione looks crestfallen) C’mon, Hermione, c’mon.  
Hermione brightens and hands Ginny Harry’s guitar. 
Song: Harry
Throughout the song, Ginny will pretend the guitar is Harry.

The way his hair falls in his eyes
makes me wonder if he’ll
ever see through my disguise
and I’m under his spell 
Everything is falling, and I don’t know where to land.
Everyone knows who he is, but they don’t know who I am 
Harry, Harry,
Why can’t you see
what you’re doing to me 
I’ve seen you conquer certain death
and even when you’re just standing there you take away my breath
and maybe someday you’ll hear my song
and understand that all along
there’s something more that I’m trying to say
when I say 
Harry, Harry, Harry
Why can’t you see
what you’re doing to me

Scene 6
Quirrel: Master, master, the shipments for the first task of the tournament has arrived.

Voldemort: Yes I know, Quirrel, I hear everything you hear.

Quirrel: Isn't it wonderful, master? We've made sure that Harry Potter's name was drawn from the cup and soon he will be ours!

Voldemort: Yes! Its reall happening, isn't it quirrel? You know, with the plan going so well, I feel like maybe we should celebrate. What do you say Quirrel? How about we go out? I hear its Karaoke night down at the Hog's head.

Quirrel: Well I don't know, I have all these papers to grade and I've been giving so much attention to this revenge plan that I'm really behind.
Voldemort: Oh just give them all B-s and be done with it.

Quirrel: Now thats evil.

Voldemort: Aahh, thats the spirit Quirrel. Put on a fresh pair of wizard shorts and grab your tunic. Quirrel, we are gonna have some fun!

(Scene changes to Harry and his friends under the invisibility cloak)

Ron: Ah, wow, uh, this cloak isn't as big as it used to be. 

Hermione: Shh... someone's coming.

(Malfoy and his cronies enter.)

Malfoy: Did you just hear something?

Goyle: No, only quiet. Maybe, one raindrop. 

Malfoy: No matter. Who do you think is the ugliest girl in school?

Goyle: Uh, buckbeak for sure.

Malfoy: Crabbe?

Crabbe: Uh, Winky the house elf.

Malfoy: Obscure! (nods) Do you know who I think is the ugliest girl in school? That Hermione Granger. Do you know what I'd giver her on a scale of 1-10? 1 would be ugliest and 10 would be prettiest. I'd give her, an 8. (They stare at him. ) An 8.5. (They stare at him again.) Or a 9.0. No, not over a 9.8! Because there is always room for improvement. Not everyone's perfect like me. Thats why I'm holding out for a 10.0. Because I'm worth it! Come on, lets go. (They leave.)

Ron: Wow, what a bunch of jerks.

Hermione: Alright, forget em, now where did you say that you saw these crates being delivered? 

Ron: Well I think they were being delivered into the auditorium, so they should be at the end of this hallway and to the left. (They trot around until they see a goat in a cage.)

Harry: A goat? Oh my god, I have to fight a goat? I don't know if I can do that morally. 

(Dumbledore and Snape enter.)

Snape: And the goats have all been sent for feeding time, Headmaster?

Dumbledore: Feeding time! Dragons don't want to be fed! They wanna hunt!

Harry: Did he just say dragons?

Ron: Did you just say 'Did he say dragons?'

Dumbledore: I must have, because anybody else hiding in this room would have known to shut up, Potter. 

Snape: Headmaster, do you really think its wise to have children fight dragons?

Dumbledore: No Snape! I don't think it's wise to do anything anymore. Why, here I am alive and well today and I could very well be killed by you tomorrow. 

Snape: Why thats absurd. 

Dumbledore: Severus, lets go to bed. Have you ever seen my room? I've got some pretty kickin' posters on my wall. 

(They leave, about to crash into Harry, but then Dumbledore and Snape raise their arms and they go below.)

Snape: Well I am rather tired.

(Harry snatches the cloak off as soon as they're gone and Ron takes it and walks away.)

Harry: Aww man, I have to fight a dragon? This is bogus! How could I fight a dragon? I'm just a little kid. 

Hermione: Alright, well, well maybe it won't be that bad Harry.

Ron: Maybe, maybe you'll just have to fight Mushu from Milan

Harry: I don't know, maybe.

Ron: I don't know, maybe like Puff the magic dragon or something.

Hermione: Ron, this is serious, okay, Harry could die! Now look, there's still time alright, we...we just need to figure out a plan.

Harry: Ok, well, we should probably do that back in the Common Room, where's...wait, where's the invisibility cloak?

Ron: Well I threw it over the magical walking chair...oh shoot.

Harry: Well, that, thats gonna be an issue.

Ron: Yep.


  1. I don't think I could love this any more.

  2. This is written by a group called Star Kids thast writes and produces fan-made musicals. This particular script is from part of a musical called "A Very Potter Musical" that can be watched on YouTube.

  3. Wow, I was trying to learn some lyrics, maybe discover some line changes and unscripted actions (spotted several having only seen the play twice, I'm such a nerd), then I got to scene 5 o.O
    It's very amusing to see they tried to keep it family-friendly, "pain in the rear end" is so awkward.
    Also, hockey player my ass, Harry. Not that kicking wiener dogs was any better but really? I can't picture it.