Hermione: Dumbledore?
Dumbledore: Yes, Granger?
Hermione: I need to talk to you for a moment. It’s about the House Cup Tournament. (Dumbledore
walks over to her) Um, well, first of all, I think it’s an awful idea, but, um, second of all, I don’t think
Harry Potter should compete.
Dumbledore: Granger, why do you always have to be a big old’ stick in the mud, huh? Pray, tell me why
Potter should not compete.
Hermione: Uh, because…. He wants to study.
Dumbledore: Granger, nobody studies at Hogwarts except for you!
Hermione: Uh, ok, well, he, uh… wants to focus on the O.W.L.s!
Dumbledore: Why couldn’t Harry have told me this himself, hmm? He thinks I’m cool. We’re tight.
Hermione: Professor, I’m a really bad liar. I think it’s a ruse. A setup. And I even think Snape might be
trying to kill Harry Potter.
Dumbledore: Severus Snape is one of the kindest, bravest, gentlest, sexiest men I have ever met!
Severus Snape is trying to kill Harry Potter just as much as he’s trying to kill me!
Snape walks on stage carrying something hidden beneath his cloak.
Snape: Oh why, Professor Dumbledore! I just happened to be in the kitchen and I made you this
delicious sandwich.
Snape pulls back his cloak to reveal a bomb in a sandwich.
Dumbledore: Oh! Why, thank you, Severus! You see, Granger? How thoughtful!
Snape hands him the sandwich.
Snape: Here you are, professor. BOMB appetite. Oops. I mean bone appetite.
Snape presses several buttons on the bomb and runs away. The sandwich starts to tick faster and faster.
Hermione: Um, is that sandwich ticking?!?
Dumbledore: It looks like it’s licking. Finger-licking good!
Hermione: Professor, I don’t think you should eat that sandwich!
Dumbledore: Why, Granger? You outta listen to Snape more often. You might even get a sandwich outta
it.
At this point Hermione grabs the sandwich out of Dumbledore’s hands and runs stage right with it.
Dumbledore: Granger, what the hell? Granger, what are you doing?
Hermione hands it to someone offstage, where the sandwich explodes.
Dumbledore: You darn gone and exploded my sandwich!
Hermione runs back to Dumbledore.
Hermione: I’m sorry, sir!
Dumbledore: Listen, even if I did believe Harry Potter was in danger he has to compete. You see that
Cup?
Hermione: Yes.
Dumbledore: It’s enchanted. Whoever’s name come out of that cup has to compete or the results would
be... bad.
Hermione: What do you mean bad?
Dumbledore: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your
body exploding at the speed of light.
Hermione: Total protonic reversal!
Dumbledore: Yeah. So you see, he has to compete. And Hermione, if it makes you feel any better the
last guy to die in the tournament was a Hufflepuff. So, I’ll keep my eyes open and nothing’s gonna get
past old Dumbledore.
Hermione: Alright.
Dumbledore: Now I gotta go make myself another sandwich! Although I don’t know how it’s gonna be as
good as the last one. The last one ticked!
Dumbledore’s song
Welcome, all of you to Hogwarts
I Welcome back you all to school
Did you know that here at Hogwarts
Weve got a hidden swimming pool?
Welcome, welcome, welcome Hogwarts
Welcome, all you hotties, nerds, and tools
Now that I've got you here at Hogwarts
Id like to go over just a couple of rules:
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