Snape

(Severus Snape enters from right)

Harry: C’mon, Ron, he’s really not that bad. I mean...

Professor Severus Snape: Harry Potter! Detention!

Harry (Stands up): What?

Snape: For talking out of turn!

(Harry sits back down)

Snape: Now, before we begin, I’m going to give you all your very, very first pop quiz.

Everybody groans, except for Hermione, who cheers.

Hermione: Yes!

Snape: Can anyone tell me what a portkey is?

Hermione: Oo! (She raises her hand)

Snape: Yes, Ms. Granger.

Hermione: A portkey is an enchanted object that when touched will transport the one or ones who touch it to anywhere on the globe decided upon by the enchanter.

Snape: Very good! Now can anyone tell me what foreshadowing is?

Hermione raises her hand again.

Snape: Yes, Ms. Granger.

Hermione: Foreshadowing is a dramatic device in which an important plot point is mentioned earlier in the story to return later in a more significant way.

Snape: Perfect!

Ron: What’s a portkey again? I missed that one.

Hermione: A portkey is something that when you touch it it’ll transport you anywhere.

Ron: (Over Hermione) Not you! Ah, never mind.

Snape: And remember, a portkey can be any sort of seemingly harmless object, like, a football, or a dolphin!

Lavender: Professor?

Snape: Yes?

Lavender: Can, like, a person be a portkey?

Snape: No, that’s absurd. ‘Cause then if that person we’re to touch themselves, (looks meaningfully at Ron) they would constantly be transported into different places. A person can, however, be a horcrux.

Harry: What’s a- What’s a horcrux?

Snape: I’m not even going to tell you Harry, you’ll find out soon enough.

Hermione: Professor, what is the point of this quiz?

Snape: Oh, no, no point in particular. Just important information that everyone should know. (he points into the audience) Especially you! Now, moving right along, there are four houses in all. Gryffindor (there’re cheers from stage right), Ravenclaw (a few cheers from stage left), Hufflepuff-

Cedric: Find!

Snape: What? And Slytherin (Goyle does a snake movement with his arms while the other Slytherins hiss). Traditionally points are given for good behavior and deducted for rule breaking. For example, ten points from Gryffindor! (Confused mutterings for stage right) For Ms. Granger’s excessive baby fat.

Harry & Ron: Thanks, Hermione!

Snape: Traditionally, the house with the most points at the end of the year would win the House Cup. However, this year we’re doing things a bit differently. Here to introduce it is our new Dark Arts Professor, Professor Quirrell.