Malfoy: Well. Isn’t this touching?
Ron: Oh my God just butt out, Malfoy.
Goyle tries to put Malfoy down but Malfoy falls onto the floor. He will continue to roll around on the
floor for awhile to make it seem like he did this on purpose.
Malfoy: Goyle and I have a bet, you know. He says you won’t last five minutes in this tournament. I
disagree. I say you wouldn’t last five minutes at Pigfarts!
Harry: What? Alright, Malfoy, what is Pigfarts?
Malfoy: Oh! Never heard of it? Ha! Figures. Famous Potter doesn’t even know about Pigfarts!
Harry: Malfoy, don’t act like you don’t want to talk about it. This is like the ninth time you’ve mentioned
Pigfarts. What is Pigfarts?
Malfoy is standing by now.
Malfoy: Pigfarts is only the greatest wizarding school in the galaxy. It’s where I'm being transferred next
year.
Hermione: Malfoy, I’ve never heard of that.
Malfoy: That’s because Pigfarts… is on Mars!
Harry: Alright, you know what? We’re trying to have a conversation here so if you could just leave us
alone-
Malfoy: Oh, no. I’m not even here.
Harry: (in a hushed tone) Okay, so, I think we can find out what the first task is if we ask Dumbledore-
Malfoy: Dumbledore? Pff! What an old coot! He’s nothing like Rumbleroar!
Goyle: RUMBLEROAR!
Harry: Anyways, as I was saying-
Malfoy: Rumbleroar’s the headmaster at Pigfarts. He’s a lion, who can talk.
Harry: Malfoy, if you don’t mind, we’re trying to have a conversation here so- wait what are you even
doing here? Get outta here.
Malfoy: I can’t help it if we can hear everything you say. We’re the only ones in here.
Harry: Come on, Malfoy; just get out of here, please?
Malfoy: Where are we supposed to go?
Harry: Uh, I don’t know, uh, Pigfarts.
Malfoy: Oh ha. Oh, now you’re just being cute. I can’t go to Pigfarts. IT’S ON MARS. You need a rocket
ship. (Struts over to Harry) Do you have a rocket ship, Potter? I bet you do. (He crawls between where
Harry and Ron are sitting and falls to the floor again) You know not all of us inherited enough money to
buy out NASA when our parents died! Look at this! Look at this! It’s Rocketship Potter. Starkid Potter.
Moonshoes Potter. Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts! (He gets up)
Harry: Alright, that’s it. This is the most misguided way to try and make me feel jealous. I don’t care if
you make fun of me, (he gets up towards Malfoy) but if you bring my parents into this it’s a whole other
story.
Malfoy: (runs and hides behind stage left bench) Whoa! Not so fast, Potter! Oh crap! Goyle!
Goyle advances on Harry, arms raised. Harry and Ron cower around the bench while Hermione remains
standing.
Goyle: BACK OFF, NERD!
Malfoy: (hanging off the bottom of the bench) Not so tough are you now, Potter! Maybe you should
hang out with someone better than that lollygagging ginger and his stupid mudblood girlfriend!
Hermione: Oh, that is it, Malfoy! (She makes a motion with her wand) Jelly-legs jinx!
Malfoy: Oh, come on!
Goyle: Hey, no fair! Our legs are jelly!
Hermione runs over and grabs Malfoy by the necktie while Crab and Goyle fall on their backs with their
legs wobbling.
Hermione: Now, take it back, Malfoy!
Malfoy: Take what back?
Hermione: Take back what you said about your stupid made-up space school!
Ron: And all that stuff about Hermione being my girlfriend. That’s not even a little bit true.
Hermione: And say you’re sorry for calling me a ‘you-know-what’!
Malfoy: Alright! I’m sorry!
Hermione: And you promise you’ll never do it again?
Malfoy: I promise!
Hermione: Alright! (She drops him) Now next time we tell you to leave us alone you better do it! Come
on, Harry. Ron. Let’s get out of here.
Harry: Wow. Thanks, Hermione.
Hermione: Yeah (she points at Crab and Goyle with her wand) Unjellyfy!
The jinx on Crab and Goyle is broken. Harry, Ron and Hermione leave.
Ron: (As they walk off) Wow. That was like the most badass thing I’ve ever seen! Too bad no one was
here to see it though. It was like an outburst of pent up aggression you were just like ‘Arrr! I’m gonna….
Crab and Goyle get up.
Goyle: Wow. That sucked royal hippogriff! We got beat by a girl! Who is a nerd!
Malfoy: I meant what I said you know. Pigfarts is real. (He puts his hand to his nose to check for blood)
Am I- Am I bleeding? Goyle.
Goyle runs over close to Malfoy’s face.
Goyle: *Sniffs* No. (He gets up)
Malfoy: (quietly) I thought maybe... maybe just a little bit… (Normally) Wow. I’ve never been pushed
down like that by a girl… Maybe I shouldn’t call her a mud-… whatever. (He gets up)
Goyle: (to Crab) I can’t believe I couldn’t figure out the counter-curse was just unjellyfy!
Crab shakes his head in disapproval.
Malfoy: Right. Well, I'm not surprised. Come on. Let’s go watch Wizards of Waverly Place!
Malfoy’s song
this year you bet Im gonna get outta here
the reign of Malfoy is drawing near
Ill have the greatest wizard career,
and its gonna be totally awesome
Look out world, for the dawn of the day
When everyone will do whatever I say
And that Potter wont be in my way, and then
Ill be the one who is totally awesome!
Ron: Oh my God just butt out, Malfoy.
Goyle tries to put Malfoy down but Malfoy falls onto the floor. He will continue to roll around on the
floor for awhile to make it seem like he did this on purpose.
Malfoy: Goyle and I have a bet, you know. He says you won’t last five minutes in this tournament. I
disagree. I say you wouldn’t last five minutes at Pigfarts!
Harry: What? Alright, Malfoy, what is Pigfarts?
Malfoy: Oh! Never heard of it? Ha! Figures. Famous Potter doesn’t even know about Pigfarts!
Harry: Malfoy, don’t act like you don’t want to talk about it. This is like the ninth time you’ve mentioned
Pigfarts. What is Pigfarts?
Malfoy is standing by now.
Malfoy: Pigfarts is only the greatest wizarding school in the galaxy. It’s where I'm being transferred next
year.
Hermione: Malfoy, I’ve never heard of that.
Malfoy: That’s because Pigfarts… is on Mars!
Harry: Alright, you know what? We’re trying to have a conversation here so if you could just leave us
alone-
Malfoy: Oh, no. I’m not even here.
Harry: (in a hushed tone) Okay, so, I think we can find out what the first task is if we ask Dumbledore-
Malfoy: Dumbledore? Pff! What an old coot! He’s nothing like Rumbleroar!
Goyle: RUMBLEROAR!
Harry: Anyways, as I was saying-
Malfoy: Rumbleroar’s the headmaster at Pigfarts. He’s a lion, who can talk.
Harry: Malfoy, if you don’t mind, we’re trying to have a conversation here so- wait what are you even
doing here? Get outta here.
Malfoy: I can’t help it if we can hear everything you say. We’re the only ones in here.
Harry: Come on, Malfoy; just get out of here, please?
Malfoy: Where are we supposed to go?
Harry: Uh, I don’t know, uh, Pigfarts.
Malfoy: Oh ha. Oh, now you’re just being cute. I can’t go to Pigfarts. IT’S ON MARS. You need a rocket
ship. (Struts over to Harry) Do you have a rocket ship, Potter? I bet you do. (He crawls between where
Harry and Ron are sitting and falls to the floor again) You know not all of us inherited enough money to
buy out NASA when our parents died! Look at this! Look at this! It’s Rocketship Potter. Starkid Potter.
Moonshoes Potter. Traversing the galaxy for intergalactic travels to Pigfarts! (He gets up)
Harry: Alright, that’s it. This is the most misguided way to try and make me feel jealous. I don’t care if
you make fun of me, (he gets up towards Malfoy) but if you bring my parents into this it’s a whole other
story.
Malfoy: (runs and hides behind stage left bench) Whoa! Not so fast, Potter! Oh crap! Goyle!
Goyle advances on Harry, arms raised. Harry and Ron cower around the bench while Hermione remains
standing.
Goyle: BACK OFF, NERD!
Malfoy: (hanging off the bottom of the bench) Not so tough are you now, Potter! Maybe you should
hang out with someone better than that lollygagging ginger and his stupid mudblood girlfriend!
Hermione: Oh, that is it, Malfoy! (She makes a motion with her wand) Jelly-legs jinx!
Malfoy: Oh, come on!
Goyle: Hey, no fair! Our legs are jelly!
Hermione runs over and grabs Malfoy by the necktie while Crab and Goyle fall on their backs with their
legs wobbling.
Hermione: Now, take it back, Malfoy!
Malfoy: Take what back?
Hermione: Take back what you said about your stupid made-up space school!
Ron: And all that stuff about Hermione being my girlfriend. That’s not even a little bit true.
Hermione: And say you’re sorry for calling me a ‘you-know-what’!
Malfoy: Alright! I’m sorry!
Hermione: And you promise you’ll never do it again?
Malfoy: I promise!
Hermione: Alright! (She drops him) Now next time we tell you to leave us alone you better do it! Come
on, Harry. Ron. Let’s get out of here.
Harry: Wow. Thanks, Hermione.
Hermione: Yeah (she points at Crab and Goyle with her wand) Unjellyfy!
The jinx on Crab and Goyle is broken. Harry, Ron and Hermione leave.
Ron: (As they walk off) Wow. That was like the most badass thing I’ve ever seen! Too bad no one was
here to see it though. It was like an outburst of pent up aggression you were just like ‘Arrr! I’m gonna….
Crab and Goyle get up.
Goyle: Wow. That sucked royal hippogriff! We got beat by a girl! Who is a nerd!
Malfoy: I meant what I said you know. Pigfarts is real. (He puts his hand to his nose to check for blood)
Am I- Am I bleeding? Goyle.
Goyle runs over close to Malfoy’s face.
Goyle: *Sniffs* No. (He gets up)
Malfoy: (quietly) I thought maybe... maybe just a little bit… (Normally) Wow. I’ve never been pushed
down like that by a girl… Maybe I shouldn’t call her a mud-… whatever. (He gets up)
Goyle: (to Crab) I can’t believe I couldn’t figure out the counter-curse was just unjellyfy!
Crab shakes his head in disapproval.
Malfoy: Right. Well, I'm not surprised. Come on. Let’s go watch Wizards of Waverly Place!
Malfoy’s song
this year you bet Im gonna get outta here
the reign of Malfoy is drawing near
Ill have the greatest wizard career,
and its gonna be totally awesome
Look out world, for the dawn of the day
When everyone will do whatever I say
And that Potter wont be in my way, and then
Ill be the one who is totally awesome!
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