Quirrel's script

Harry’s scar starts to hurt. He puts a hand to it and starts yelling as Quirinus Quirrell enters stage left. Because Voldemort is on the back of his head, Voldemort stands and walks back to back with Quirrell while his face is hidden under Quirrell’s turban.

Quirinus Quirrell: (with a slight stutter) The House Cup. A time honored tradition. For centuries-

Malfoy: Go home, terrorist!

Quirrell: For centuries, the houses of Hogwarts have competed for the honor and glory of holding the title of House Champion. But where does this competition come from, and what are the roots of the tradition?

Hermione raises her hand and speaks quickly.

Hermione: The House Cup Tournament began with the first generation of Hogwarts students.

Quirrell: That was a rhetorical question.

Dumbledore: Granger, quit interrupting. Twenty points from Gryffindor.

Harry & Ron: Thanks, Hermione!

Quirrell: As I was saying, when the Tournament first originated it was one of a completely different sort. One champion from each of the four houses would compete in a series of dangerous tasks. The winner would not only win the Cup, they would also win eternal glory.

Hermione: Kind of like the Twiwizard Tournament!

Quirrell: Yes, sort of like the Triwizard tounament, except no, not like that at all. There are four houses. How could it be the Triwizard Tournament with four teams?

Hermione: Well, Professor, if I remember correctly, the House Cup Tournament was disbanded after one semester when one student was killed during the first task.

Quirrell: Yes, it is very dangerous, but the rewards far outweigh the risks.

Hermione: I don’t think you heard me! I just said somebody died!

Dumbledore: Hermione Granger, shut your ungodly lopsided mouth and quit interrupting! Twenty more points!

Harry & Ron: Thanks, Hermione!

Dumbledore: God! For the cleverest witch of your age you really can be a dumbass sometimes. (Other students laugh at her) Ten points to Dumbledore!

Quirrell: Yes, well, it will be very dangerous, but the winner will be remembered as a hero for ages to come. And, as the Professor of Defense against the Dark Arts, I believe that this practical application is exactly what the curriculum needs to-

Voldemort sneezes under Quirrell’s turban. 

Dumbledore: Professor, did your turban just sneeze?

Quirrell: What? No. (he starts to back off stage right)

Dumbledore: I could have sworn I just heard a sneeze coming from your direction, but your mouth wasn’t moving.

Quirrell: No, no, that was simply a fart. I must be going. (Voldemort continues to sneeze, and Harry’s scar starts to hurt again as Quirrellmort gets near him.) I simply farted once more. 

Quirrel’s song  ( Only Quirrel’s part is to be sung)

QUIRRELL:
You won't sleep on your tummy
VOLDEMORT:
You won't sleep on your back
VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:
We're quite a kooky couple you'll agree
QUIRRELL:
We share some hands and fingers

VOLDEMORT:
And yet the feeling lingers
VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:
We're just about as different as anyone could be

VOLDEMORT:
You like plotting a garden and I like plotting to kill
QUIRRELL:
You think that you should rule the world, I think books are a thrill!
Sipping tea by the fires swell
VOLDEMORT:
Pushing people in is fun as well
I like folding all my ties
QUIRRELL:
And you have no friends, hey thats a surprise

VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:
I guess its plain to see
when you look at you and me
were different
different
as can be

VOLDEMORT:
Youre a sissy, a twat a girl! Im the darkest of lords!
QUIRRELL:
Im the brightest professor here, Ive won several awards
VOLDEMORT:
My new world is about to unfold
QUIRRELL:
You got beat by a two year
VOLDEMORT:
Ill kill him this time through and through
QUIRRELL:
Or you might just give him another tattoo

VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:
You really must agree
when you look at you and me
were different
different
as can-

VOLDEMORT:
Ill rise again and Ill rule the world
But you must help me renew
For when our plan succeeds
QUIRRELL:
Prevails!
VOLDEMORT:
Part of that world goes to you

QUIRRELL:
When I rule the world Ill plant flowers
VOLDEMORT:
When I rule the world Ill have snakes
And goblins, and werewolves, and giants, and thestrals,
a fleet of dementors, and all my Death Eaters!
(QUIRRELL: And Jane Austin novels)

VOLDEMORT & QUIRRELL:
When I rule the world!! Hahahaha!!!! (Evil laugh)